Alan Zendell, March 10, 2026
In 1960, comedian Bob Newhart recorded his new comedy routines in an album called The Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart, that quickly shot to the top of the charts. He’d invented a brilliant gimmick. Each routine was one side of a telephone conversation, a marketer talking to someone trying to sell something to the public. (My favorite was Abner Doubleday trying to market baseball.) If you never heard them, they’re all on YouTube.
Newhart’s genius was describing things we took for granted in a perfectly literal way that made them sound absurd. Donald Trump’s war against Iran would have been a perfect subject. As Newhart would have said, “If Donald Trump called a marketer to sell his war on Iran, the conversation might go something like this.”
Hello, Donald is it? You want to Trump things? Oh, I see, that’s your name. Well, you may be selling the wrong thing. Why don’t you try selling special Bridge or Pinochle cards? The players would have to say your name every few seconds.
What’s that? You want to sell them a war? I hope your idea is original – we’ve tried that before. Remember The Mouse that Roared and Wag the Dog? Oh, you meant a real war. With bombs and missiles and lots of dead and maimed people? Tell me about it.
Who do you want to fight with? Iran? Wow, that’s a pretty tall order. Don’t they have thousands of missiles and drones? What if they shoot your missiles and drones down? Oh, I see, you’re going to destroy all of Iran’s missiles and drones first so they can’t fight back. That doesn’t sound very fair.
Because if you don’t strike first they’ll attack us? And they’re building nuclear weapons? They’ll have as many as eleven of them within two weeks if we don’t attack now? How do you know? Your intelligence people said they’re ten years away from being able to do that. Didn’t you say last June that we had obliterated them? Well, which is it. You’ll never be able to sell this if you keep changing your mind. No, Donald, I don’t see how making a deal will help.
What’s that? You’ll win the public over by not telling them about it until the bombs are falling because you think that once we’re at war, everyone will back you and let you do anything you want to? How long will the war last? Until you say it’s over? You really think people will buy that when Americans start coming home in body bags? And what about oil? Oh, your intelligence folks are telling you Iran would never attack the Gulf oil states or shoot at oil tankers? Wouldn’t that create serious disruption in the world economy and really piss off China? Really? They wouldn’t dare?
Okay, so your plan is to blitz them and wipe out their ability to fight back and then destroy their industrial capacity so they can’t rebuild? All this so you can brag that you got Iran to unconditionally surrender and let you pick their new leaders? Okay, let’s say you accomplish all that. Won’t our forces be left vulnerable everywhere with supplies and munitions depleted? What happens next? Donald, did you hear me? I asked you what you expect to happen after you destroy Iran’s ability to defend itself and build more weapons after you kill countless thousands, many of whom are innocent civilians? Are you still there Donald? Are you alright? You sound like you’re choking.
Honestly, Donald, who sold you this pile of crap? Who the hell is Hegseth? You mean that clown from Fox News? How the hell did he ever get to be in charge? He really kisses it every day? That’s a pretty stupid way to select a Cabinet, Donald. Don’t you understand that if you break a country like Iran, assuming they don’t break you first, you’ll own them? You’ll have bought into years, perhaps decades of nation-building that will almost certainly fail and wreck your economy. You’ll wind up with a far more dangerous situation than you were in when you started bombing them.
With all their natural resources, a defenseless Iran would create a power vacuum that its predatory neighbors will rush to fill. Imagine Russia, China, the Sunni Arab nations led by Saudi Arabia and a completely unfettered Israel bent on revenge all coming together to fight over what’s left after the bombing.
You think that won’t happen? You don’t even have a plan. Are you really as ignorant as you sound? Sorry, Donald, I wouldn’t touch your war with a ten-thousand-mile pole, and neither will anyone else who knows anything about warfare. Continue down this path and you’ll cause a civil war that could destroy what’s left of law and order in Iran, leave ninety million people destitute and hungry, and put the entire world at risk.
Listen to me, Donald. Attacking Iran without support from either Congress or our allies, is not only stupid, it’s illegal and unconstitutional. What? You’ve already ordered the bombing to start?
Let’s continue this tomorrow from my bunker.