Alan Zendell, July 23, 2018

According to this exclusive transcript of the secret meeting in Helsinki between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin, both men were extremely pleased to be there.

T – Hello Mister President, I’m so glad we can finally meet and speak frankly to each other. (Trump grabs Putin’s hand and shakes it vigorously, until Putin’s steely stare and his iron-firm grip make him let go.)

P – Yes Donald, it is high time we met. (Боже, помоги мне!) Things are not going quite as I’d hoped.

T – Yes, those bastards in the press simply won’t let it go. How do you manage so well in Russia?

P – (Smiling benignly at his protégé…) As you have observed Donald, (наивный ребенок)
we rarely have issues with journalists, and when one of them steps out of line we have very effective methods of dealing with them.

T – Oh, you mean….

P – Shush, Donald.(Спаси меня!) Not here. I will have my Public Information Minister call to instruct you. But until you have learned our techniques, what do you say we make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear as your people say?

T – None of my people ever said that. It’s fake news. Why would anyone say that? What’s a sow, anyway?

P – (Muttering under his breath… такой идиот.) Never mind. I meant to say, let’s use their zealousness to our advantage.

T – Before we crush them beneath our boot heels?

P – Donald, if only I had met you when that dossier claimed I had. What we could achieved if I had had time to prepare you. (Pausing, shocked by the uncomprehending expression on Trump’s face… Я не могу поверить этому парню!) Never worry, just do as I tell you.

T – You said you’d teach me how to handle the media when we meet them later.

P – It’s really quite simple, even a child could do it. (Я подавил это для вас.) You need only follow two simple rules. At our press conference, whatever they ask you, don’t think. Say the first thing that comes into your mind, and make sure to confuse them with contradictions. Later when you are home, tweet something inflammatory every morning, and whenever you are forced to discuss Russia, say the opposite of what you tweeted. Then give your (пухлый, сочный) girl Sarah a script that will drive your media crazy.

T – But they’ll just keep attacking me, saying I’m lying. And there are a handful of Republicans who are only this close to showing some backbone and turning on me.

P – Donald, haven’t you paid attention to anything I’ve taught you? We’ll keep writing talking points for your friends at Fox, and planting conspiracy theories on Facebook that make it sound like you’re about to tear up your Constitution and declare martial law.

T – That’s exciting, just like you did in Crimea.

P – Donald! (невежественный дурак.) I’ve told you never to say things like that where anyone can hear.

T – But it’s only the translators. My people would never break a confidence.

P – (Flabbergasted… Неужели ты действительно так глуп, как кажется?) Yes, I’m sure you are right, but still you must observe the rules I’ve set for you. If you follow my instructions your media will be like sharks in a trout pond. They will be so distracted you will be able keep dismantling all those things you hate under the radar. And if things get too quiet, announce the list of new tariffs I gave you. Remember our mantra – Trade Wars are Good.

T – What about the election?

P – We’ve discussed this, Donald You must kill the budgets for your special counsel and for all the anti-hacking work being done by your people. Announce that you can’t afford to waste money on witch hunts and hoaxes. Never back down no matter what.

T – But, but (makes a sound like a whimper) …

P – Let them scream. Your base will love it with some help from us. By the time it all boils over, you’ll be safely into your second term. And if they impeach you, remember I’m having an exclusive dacha built for you on the Black Sea.

T – The Black Sea?

P – Yes Donald, after you oversee my annexation of Ukraine, you can move to Odessa. You’ll have your own golf course, and Ivanka and Jared will love it – it’s where all the rich Jews live in Ukraine. (Opens his arms wide, and Trump steps into his embrace.) Everything will be all right, Donald. You know you can trust me.

* * *

I know this transcript is hard to read without the translators. No worries. I studied Russian in college. Here’s a brief glossary:

Боже, помоги мне – God help me

Спаси меня – save me

       такой идиот – what an imbecile.

наивный ребенок – naïve child

не могу поверить этому парню – I can’t freaking believe this guy

Я подавил это для вас – I dumbed it down for you

пухлый, сочный – plump, juicy

Неужели ты действительно так глуп, как кажется – can you really be that stupid