Alan Zendell, November 23, 2020
When you finally leave Washington, your name will be hallowed along with all the other wannabe dictators who had their moments in history end none too soon, to be relegated to the scrap heap of things we wish we could forget. But fear not, Donald, we won’t ever forget you. To forget you and everything you represent would be a tragic error. The dark times we fail to remember are the ones we’re most likely to repeat, and the United States of America might not survive a repeat performance.
Maybe we’ll find an open space on that mountain you revere in South Dakota, where you can be remembered properly. But not with your face – most Americans would be happy to never see it again. Rather, we will commission a calligrapher to carve a tablet into the mountain, like the one Moses left for his people after leading them out of the darkness. The twist, of course, is that it will commemorate the darkness you caused.
In painful but necessary memory, we dedicate the following:
Deaths, a third of a million of them by Inauguration Day, most of which resulted from The Hallowed One’s criminal neglect
Oligarchs, whose ranks The Hallowed One longed to join, but instead wound up their puppet, in debt to them to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars
Narcissism, the stuff from which dictators and sociopaths are made, with which we had only a passing acquaintance until The Hallowed One enlightened to the truth that it is a disqualifying attribute for all future presidents
Alternate Realities, which thankfully can now be returned to the realm of science fiction and fantasy, where they belong
Lying, which along with hyperbole and insane conspiracy theories became the norm for disseminating official information during The Hallowed One’s administration
Defeat, a critically important concept that most of us learn to deal with as children, but something The Hallowed One’s mental illness prevents him from grasping without lashing out like a rabid animal.
Jared, who was heralded as a brilliant voice of sanity capable of keeping The Hallowed One’s baser instincts in check, but turned out to be just another enabling sycophant
Television, which along with Twitter, was once a source of information, recreation, comfort, and entertainment, but is now indelibly stained with the thousands of hours co-opted by The Hallowed One for spewing lies and hate
Recession, most of which could have been avoided if The Hallowed One gave the tiniest damn about doing the job to which he was elected, and which through his ongoing negligence, may yet evolve into a Deperession
Ugliness, the single word that best sums up The Hallowed One’s presidency
Money, which may or may not be the root of all evil, but is an obsession for The Hallowed One that dominates everything else
Pandemic, a word relegated to medical books, novels, and sensationalized Hollywood films, until it dominated our lives in 2020. It didn’t have to, and it wouldn’t have if The Hallowed one cared a fig about anyone but himself.
I must include a personal note, a special thank you to President Donald A. Trump. Thank you for corrupting the very meaning of truth, and infecting so many others in powerful positions who clung to your coattails. Thank you for the intimidation racket that locked people like Florida Governor Ron DeSantis securely into your orbit. Thank you for teaching DeSantis that the proper role of an executive is to eschew any form of meaningful leadership in an emergency. Thank you for setting an example of malfeasance in office for him to follow.
Thank you for creating an environment in which half the population of Florida treats mask wearing and social distancing as part of a Communist, Anarchist plot. And most of all, thank you for allowing the pandemic to spread exponentially, especially to the school attended by my grandchildren. Thank you for not taking a single action to reduce the chances that their entire family would wind up quarantined with a four-year-old-infected with COVID.
Assuming you care, Donald, don’t worry. He’s recovering just fine, no thanks to you.
Thinking about that innocent child makes me realize that the whole point of this piece is absurd. What we really should do is enshrine Anthony Fauci on Mount Rushmore, with all the honors he deserves.